CSI Crazy Scientists Indoors
by Nikki9
Summary: Spying cameras+ crazy scientists + this fic = Discovering what your CSIs do when they think no one is watching.
1. PaRt OnE

A few months ago I went to Chile on what it was supposed to be a Survivor- like experience. I did a number of ludicrous things. E.g.: I ate the insides of an insect which, according to our guide were "eatable". I figured that if I had tasted a bug's guts I might as well write this fic.  
  
PS: In Chile creeks are deeper and colder than they appear.  
  
  
  
********************************HERE IT GOES***************************************  
  
  
  
(Star Wars like letters and music. A deep voice starts to narrate)  
  
Not so long ago in a forensic lab not far away, the forces of evil known as "criminals, murders, serial killers and such" were engaged in a gruesome fight against the powerful forces of good and justice known as Crime Scene Investigators (CSI's for short)...  
  
So far the tools of good had been unknown to us common people. But today, you will witness the fine process of handling evidence that enables the CSI's to catch the evil forces that prowl about the streets, suburbs, supermarkets, casinos, houses and strange hotels with weird pools of Las Vegas...  
  
(cut to..)  
  
[Grissom, Warrick, Catherine, Sara, Nick and Greg are sitting in break room. The camera zeroes in on Grissom, who's wearing his best poker face]  
  
Nothing will divert their attention from the overriding task that rules their lives and controls their schedules: catching the creepy, psycho and sometimes completely normal and socially functional murderers…  
  
[The camera is now doing a close up on Sara who's looking at Grissom as if he were about to reveal the secrets of the universe]  
  
You will see how crimes are solved and you will learn about the people that make Las Vegas a reasonable place to be murdered in, 'cos you can bet your rotting corpse that the murderer will be caught by Grissom and his team…  
  
[Grissom flashes a winning smile and says something we can't hear, Warrick frowns and shakes his head as he throws a bunch of cards over the table in sign of defeat. Catherine grabs a small envelope and reads]  
  
Catherine: "Scarlet, in the kitchen with the rope, and Grissom wins again. That's it, you're not playing anymore."  
  
  
  
(Commercial)  
  
  
  
Host: "Helloooo lovers of forensics and crime scenes!! Welcome to yet another session of "Out righteously illegal snooping". Today we'll have a special episode of this show, owned by PPSBC (Professional People Snooping Broadcasting Company). If you hadn't had the exquisite pleasure of watching this show before you're an ASS. Anyway, hang on to your rubber gloves & print powder because your about to experience the time of your life!!  
  
To the newbies that are watching this show and wondering what the heck is about, I'll explain. The concept is simple. Every month the audience votes for the interesting person or persons they want us to snoop. At the end of each month we show you how this people live their lives.  
  
We SNOOP them, we put cameras EVERYWHERE. If you have an ounce of moral conscience or any respect for privacy what-so-ever change the channel now, because our sick feeble brains don't understand the meaning of those foreign concepts. We're so immoral that we can make the paparazzi's look like toddlers with cameras, no, better! We can make Stalin look like a ---"  
  
Director (form his 'directing booth'): "Ok that's enough, Jimmy, point taken."  
  
Host: "Anyway, as I was saying, tonight we'll review all the tapes of the mini cameras we installed in key places of the natural habitat of the victims of the month plus (he starts reading from a card) quizzes, snippets of Barbara Walter's 20/20 Special about the LVPD (he flips the card) naked woman slapping each other in a pool of Froot Loops, lots of beer (he frowns), strippers, handcuffs, skinny dipping in a public fountain??…wait a sec---this is John's bachelor party list! Sorry folks, there will NOT be any of these things."  
  
(collective disappointed 'ahhhhhh' from the audience)  
  
Host(grinning): "But we'll have quizzes (a beer can smashes his head)"  
  
Can thrower: "I WANT THE STRIPPERS, YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR QUIZZES UP YOUR---"  
  
Host: "LET'S check out the victims of the month, shall we?"  
  
[Applause. The screen splits in five squares with the pictures of Sara, Gil, Nick, Warrick, Catherine and Greg. The audience goes wild when, by mistake, a picture of the Host in Scooby-Doo boxers appears on the screen]  
  
Director (giggling inside the booth): "Crap."  
  
Host (not noticing the technical problem): "You chose them we snooped them! To make this night more interesting we will have little quizzes that, if you're the first to call to our number and give us the correct answer you will receive one of this CSI memorabilia:  
  
1-a few hairs that belonged to Sara Sidle's head (item difficult to obtain now because of the "Restraining order" she filed against us and the two scary-Mohamed-Ali-like bodyguards she has tagging along her all the time),  
  
2-"Bobo", the self-healing dummy Warrick and Catherine used in the McCall case,  
  
3- a cool poster that says: "Celebrity Death Match Dream ep: Grissom Vs. Holmes&Watson" and has a picture of Grissom knocking off Holmes's teeth with a magnifying glass while Watson is attacked by Grissom's tarantula,  
  
4_ Sarah's electrocuted pickle,  
  
5_Warrick's locker….  
  
Warrick(finding an empty space where his locker used to be): "Where the hell is my locker??"  
  
The list is never ending. Before we start showing you the intimate moments the CSI tribe shares when they think no one is looking, here's the first quiz:  
  
What is Grissom's favorite hobby?  
  
a) Designing little chairs and tables for the insects of his insect farm,  
  
b) Utter long, tiring and puzzling but yet insightful comments that leave everybody with the urging desire to call a Swahili translator or wish they had paid more attention to Shakespeare in high school.  
  
c) Play 'fetch' with his pet tarantula  
  
Host (near a microscope shaped telephone): "C'mon people we're expecting your calls!"  
  
(Commercials)  
  
  
  
TBC…  
  
"Reviewing fics prevents cardiac related deceases."  
  
Honest to God, my cardiologist said that to me last week. 


	2. pArT tWo

slaps herselfI forgot to thank Starr L for the beta reading. I don't speak English as a first language so if it weren't for her you wouldn't be reading this fic.  
  
******  
  
Host: "And the answer to this question is the obvious one of course. The answer is C!! Although the arachnid hasn't been cooperating lately and Grissom has consulted a pet psychiatrist to work out the communication problem between them.  
  
SilverEpiphany, the proud winner of this first quiz will take home either, a home video that illustrates pretty darn well ,(in a hushed voice) believe me I've seen it four times, what Catherine used to do when she was working at the French Palace or a key to Grissom's place. Please if you choose this last item, use the key when he's not in his apartment, he wouldn't handle a human visit very well or just as well as a fish would handle breathing.  
  
Can thrower (standing up with a beer can in his hand): "SHOW THE TAPE, SHOW THE TAPE!!"  
  
Host (diplomatic): "Sir, please sit down. That tape's only for the winner, it wouldn't be fair if---"  
  
Guy in the audience: "TAPE, TAPE, TAPE!!"  
  
Director: "There are other tapes, sir. They all can by purchased after the show's over."  
  
Guy in the audience: "TAPE, TAPE, TAPE!!"  
  
Host (narrowing his eyes and determined): "NO (a beer can collides with his forehead). It's empty you dope, it didn't hurt! (another can collides, this time, full) Ouch. Still the answer is no (looking at the camera) Am I bleeding?"  
  
(the cameraman shakes the camera from side to side and the Host exhales, relieved)  
  
Host: "Ok, everyone knows that working long hours without getting any sleep can be damaging to our health. Despite this fact, this bunch of Las Vegas CSI's pull double shifts as if they were on some kind forensic-viagra. Now you'll have a first look on what happens during those EXITING NIGHTS, how does the sharp minds of this scientists work in conjunction with each other. To witness that here's a tape of a case you don't know nothing about, this are the hard working CSI's at 4:00am."  
  
(The host disappears and behind him a huge TV turns on with a not so exiting image)  
  
[They're all in Grissom's office. Warrick's sleeping across Grissom's desk, using a bloody scarf classified as "EVIDENCE A" as a pillow. Sara is perched on a chair next to Grissom with her feet resting over Grissom's desk, you can see she's missing a shoe]  
  
Host (whispering as if not to wake them up): "We are still trying to figure out why Sara's left shoe is stuck to the ceiling. Our theory: Grissom or some other member of the team was trying to recreate a bizarre crime scene or that it's 'Throw the left shoe of a woman named Sara to the ceiling' day."  
  
[Grissom is cutely snoring over a stack of papers and holding a magnifying glass in his hand as if it were a teddy bear. Catherine's sitting on another chair and by the look on her face, she seems to have been making a point when she fell asleep. Nick lies sprawled on the floor with Grissom's tarantula on his forehead. He's surrounded by some of Lindsay's rubber balls and video titled "How to catch a killer in 10 easy steps using bathroom items"]  
  
Host (whispering): "Ain't they cute? (clears his throat) In a strictly forensic–platonic sort of way of course."  
  
[Sara tries to shift to a more neck friendly position and considering the fact that she's napping on a chair and not a king-size bed, she falls to the ground with a loud thud. Whatever was sticking her shoe to the ceiling stops doing it and the shoe falls on Warrick's head. She stands up in a second trying to pretend that nothing happened]  
  
Warrick (mumbling): "I didn't do it!! The cat waxed himself grandma'!!"  
  
Catherine (woken up by Warrick's scream and with a yellow "post-it" glued to her forehead): "…and that's why I think he's innocent."  
  
Grissom (stroking his chin, as if pondering Cath's statement) : "Yeah, yeah, yeah (looks around like wondering: did we fall asleep? Did I fall asleep? Why is Warrick on my desk?) …yeah, you're right, the evidence backs it up and…"  
  
(Everyone looks at Grissom waiting for him to finish his sentence. He yawns as he takes a peek at his watch, finally he speaks)  
  
Grissom: "…Yeah, yeah that's a wrap for today...or yesterday or tomorrow...i don't know which day is this. Somebody call Brass, tell him we have the wrong guy."  
  
Host: "And I bet you thought they never slept. Well there you have it they're humans too. But enough of this, we have a long show ahead of us. So, whoever wants to see what Sara does on one of her days-off raise your microscopes."  
  
(cut to…)  
  
[The mini camera starts by showing the floor of Sara's place which is dotted with white paper planes, forensics books and empty boxes of cereal. A small bunny chews a carrot and then hops its way out of the room (??). The camera zeroes in on some interesting photos: Little Sara opening a X- Mas present that looks like a chemistry set, she's seems ecstatic. Next picture: X-Mas tree ablaze, frantic parents with extinguishers, little Sara grinning.]  
  
[The camera slowly makes a 90º turn to focus on Sara. She's sitting on a chair, with her feet on the table and she's behind the police scanner and a flower pot. Throwing paper planes to the air and watching them fly she seems like she's having a good time. Oh, and you can kinda guess that she's naked although the flower pot acts as a nudity shield]  
  
[There's a stack of books on the table, between them there are some that are very familiar to all forensic scientist: "100 ways to use print powder in your kitchen", "Have fun with corpses(???)", "The super-cool world of fibers", "A dead body and me" and "Sherlock Holmes goes to Disneyland: Did Mickey strangled Minnie in a jealous rage?"]  
  
Host: "And we leave Sara's place knowing a little bit more about that impulsive young brunette that can turn into a very cranky woman if she is deprived of well deserved day off. And on we go to the next quiz. Please read it carefully."  
  
(Letters appear on the screen)  
  
Which of this three statements is true:  
  
1) Catherine and Grissom had a torrid love affair two years ago but they broke up because Gil found out that Catherine was just using him to give Eckile jealous. Ecklie later found out that he'd been used too because Catherine real interest had been Warrick all along.  
  
2) Last month Sara and Nick were investigating a murder. After looking for evidence for two hours inside the house Nick discovered a gun in the backyard lawn, near a dog's house that seemed to be empty. Nick crept towards the gun and he managed to grab it before the huge brontosaur-like Pit bull had his hand for breakfast. When Sara heard the dog's barking she joined Nick at the backyard. While they were doing their "reenactment-of- how-might-the-gun-ended-up-there", the not-so-friendly-pooch managed to break free of the chain that restrained him. They were seen ten seconds later plunging into their SUV. The pooch was found later in his doghouse, chewing Nick's shoe and half of Sara's pants.  
  
3)One night all the CSI's went to Brass's birthday party (including Grissom). They all got drunk (even Grissom). PS: By 3:00 am they were all in jail. Grissom was almost stabbed in the shoulder by his cellmate but Warrick managed to defend his mentor by strangling the offender with one of his socks. Rumors say that the scuffle started when Don Kowalski aka "Deadly-ballerina" expressed his desire to make Grissom his 'cupcake'.  
  
Host: "Take your time, this things aren't always what they appear to be. Here's a good example…"  
  
(You can only hear the voices, the screen is pitch black)  
  
Warrick: "Oh, yeah you are a beauty! Oh, yeah! Gimme more of that!"  
  
Catherine (after a bored sigh) : "Relax Brown, it not like you haven't seen one before."  
  
Warrick: "These are the best footprints I've ever seen!"  
  
Host: "See? Now we'll have to take a break and go to commercials but don't change the freaking channel or else a horrible curse will fall upon you: you will be turned into a one legged frog!! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (clears his throat) I'll be back to give the correct answer to the quiz and to show you how's a typical day in the lives of this people."  
  
  
  
TBC…  
  
******  
  
The "curse" part is real. You will be turned into crippled fogs…waves her hand nah, I was just bluffing to get more reviews. 


	3. PaRt ThReE

Host: "Now will have to take a break and go to commercials but don't change the freaking  
  
channel or else a horrible curse will fall upon you: you will be turned into a one legged frog!! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (clears his throat) Will be back to give the correct answer to the quiz and to show you how's a typical day in the lives of this people."  
  
(commercial)  
  
Host (not aware that he's on the air) : "No, no, I want the Pink Panther slippers, size 11, no, not Scooby-Doo. What you mean they sold out??"  
  
Director: "Jimmy, we're on the air"  
  
Host (nervous): "Oh, my…my daughter wants the-the slippers, she-she has humongous feet. Aaaanyway here is the correct answer. The true statement was number three. Although nobody has told Grissom, Mr. Kowalski is going to be released on parole next month. He's still interested and I quote: 'in sweet Gilly'.  
  
Ooook kids, we have two winners, Lugia321 and Silver Epiphany (yet again, what do you have girl/boy, a crystal ball?) That doesn't represent a problem unless you both want the same prize although if that is the case I'm sure we will find a civilized way of solving the problem. This is what this show proposes: you will choose one of these deadly weapons,  
  
Chainsaw  
  
Butcher knife and axe  
  
Squirt gun loaded with hotter-that-hell oil  
  
A trained-to-kill rooster  
  
A can of toxic print powder (comes in different colors)  
  
A see-through nightgown  
  
A Bow and a dozen arrows  
  
Host: "…And you will fight to death. The winner takes take both prizes: a tour around the morgue given by Dr. Robbins who's talent for comedy will make you wanna drop dead or a desiccated alpine possum from the Alps (part of Grissom's dead animals collection and an excellent birthday present).  
  
If you ever wondered what happens in the life of these people during a normal day of work, well wonder no more 'cos here is what happens. Remember that they're normal people, they do things the same way you do. They sneeze, they laugh, they participate in roach racing the same way you do, they throw up at the smell of a liquid corpse, they electrocute pickles the same way you do, they're normal people."  
  
(cut to…)  
  
THE SHIFT BEGINS…  
  
Grissom (cup of coffee in hand with the inscription: 'Toss me on a bed&make me yours'): "Ok here are the assignments…"  
  
[Just behind him, pass the glass wall of the break room a bunch of guys in lab coats are towing a karaoke machine used in a murder (use your imagination). Out of nowhere 'Bobo' (the 8th world wonder otherwise know as the self healing dummy) whooshes by like a rocket, flies all across the hallway and smashes against Eckile who looks very cranky. One second he is walking, kissing the floor the next]  
  
Catherine (sitting on the couch drinking a cup of Greg's coffee, her back to the hallway): "Got anything interesting? This night has been---"  
  
Warrick (putting the last toothpick in a toothpick replica of the Titanic): "SLOWWWW."  
  
[Behind the glass wall Ecklie is arguing with two men in lab coats, the ones responsible for turning 'Bobo' into a dummy/rocket. Ecklie is visibly upset, you can see that he's screaming while the two scared technicians try to explain that the experiment was part of a case. Warrick, Catherine Sara and Nick seem oblivious to the chaos outside. Ecklie punches the lab technician on the nose. In response the lab technician throws himself over Ecklie like a rabid raccoon. The other one stares in awe for a second, then decides to join, he too acts like a small rabid mammal. Ecklie gets a hold of one of the tech's neck and starts to strangle him in the best Bart&Homer way]  
  
Grissom (his back still to the hallway): "Cath, 419 in a phone booth, work with Nick."  
  
[The other technician bites Eckile's leg, he screams and stops strangling the other guy. All the while Sara yawns, makes paper planes and throws them into the air and Catherine seems to be doing her taxes]  
  
Grissom: "Warrick and Sara you go with me, murder-suicide in a hotel."  
  
Sara (sounding exited as always): "Swell!"  
  
Nick: "Great."  
  
[Two guys that were waiting to be interrogated pitch in the fight. Out of nowhere Brass appears and starts to scream and gesture like a lunatic, nobody pays any attention to him. Brass tries to stop the fight but his jaw gets in the way of a right hook and he flies backwards. A bit wobbly by the punch Brass decides to stop the fight by firing a warning shot to the ceiling. Everyone freezes inches away from someone else's face. Brass smiles groggily and a piece of ceiling falls on his head. The fighters scatter, leaving the hallway empty]  
  
Nick (coming out of the break room): "You said it man, sloooow night. Hi Brass!"  
  
LATER…  
  
Host: "Ok, by now they already have a suspect and they had, on average, two cups of coffee per CSI. I decided that it would be interesting for the audience to watch parts of various interrogations."  
  
[Grissom, Sara and Brass are interrogating a witness. They've been interrogating him for 30 minutes but the guy isn't cooperating. Let's say his antenna doesn't pick up all the channels, he's crazy, a tiny-toon with the IQ of a retarded snail]  
  
Insane witness: "Ok, here's a joke I think you might find brilliant. Plus, it fits the occasion."  
  
Grissom (showing the first signs of frustration): "Sir, we don't want to hear any jo---"  
  
Insane witness: "How do you call a person who puts poison in other people's corn flakes?"  
  
[Sara doesn't hesitate]  
  
Sara(rolling her eyes): "A cereal killer… *Duh*."  
  
[The suspect blinks a couple of times and doesn't say a word. Sarah smiles, Brass giggles. You can almost see smoke coming out of Grissom's ears and the question "did that just happen or I'm going nuts?" is written all over his face]  
  
Insane witness: "If you knew the answer lady why did you have to spoil the fun for the rest?"  
  
Host: "Cute, very cute. Here's my favorite suspect, it turned out to be a vicious murderer, but hey, the guy had a sense of humor, he reminds me of my Uncle Irvin."  
  
[The camera shows Grissom, Sara, Catherine and Nick sitting at one side of the interrogation table, Brass is leaning against a wall and the suspect is, well, poking his nose or trying to extract a sample of his brain with his finger. Point is, it's disgusting]  
  
Catherine(disgusted and about to puke): "We can see you Sr."  
  
Suspect(seemingly surprised): "You mean I'm not invisible??"  
  
[Sara and Nick exchange glances, the suspect stops poking his nose and stares at his hand. Yep, he realizes that he's invisible cream does not work. Bummer]  
  
Grissom(sounding very business like): "What were you doing at 3.00 am last night?"  
  
Suspect(leaning forward): "I tell you what, pal. I will tell you what I was doing at 3:00am if they (pointing at Sara and Catherine) dance in a cage in their underwear while I pour tequila over their bodies."  
  
[Grissom, Nick and Brass look at Sara and Catherine, they appear to be waiting for the women's decision]  
  
Catherine: "Judge Jennings and my lawyer said I couldn't do that again in the state of Nevada so, no."  
  
Sara(realizing that the males in the room where waiting for her answer): "Forget it, I'm not dancing in a cage (the males don't take their eyes off of her) NO, I'm not doing it, I'm not drunk and it's not anyone's birthday."  
  
Suspect: "I could fix the 'drunk part'."  
  
Grissom (looking back at the suspect): "As tempting as your offer might be that is against the standard procedure for an interrogation. It would be immoral to do so, sir."  
  
Brass: "And besides, all we have here is beer."  
  
Host: "The following interrogatory proves that 'body language' can be far more persuading than words although they too are important to the success of an interrogation. This method aims for a quick and immediate bonding with the suspect that will allow the interrogator to extract the information out of him/her in a very SUBTLE way. Though you have never seen ol' Jimbo Brass use this 'scientifically' proven method he is very fond of it."  
  
[Brass is smacking the suspect's head against the interrogating table]  
  
Host(narrates while Brass keeps smacking the guy's head against the table as if it was a basketball) : "This is the quick bonding part I was talking about before."  
  
Brass: "CONFESS! CONFESS YOU MANIAC!"  
  
Host: "Brass certainly has a way with words."  
  
A FEW HOURS LATER…  
  
Host: "Most of the times a CSI has to go back to a crime scene to see if he or she has overlooked something that may be crucial to the case. Going back in the night, when it's dark and creepy is not something a CSI would enjoy but it's part of their job.  
  
In this tape we'll show how Nick handles this particular situation. This footage was obtained thanks to the greedy personality of a police officer that agreed to put cameras in the crime scene. We will NOT mention the word B-R-I-B-E because that's not what the police officer accepted from us."  
  
[The camera shows Nick tiptoeing around the bedroom of the victim. With his flashlight in hand he rummages through the victim's drawers. Suddenly, he hears something moving inside the closet. He turns around slowly. Nervously he snatches a lamp from the decease's nightstand. He frowns. Quietly leaves the lamp where he found it and draws out his gun]  
  
Host: "Good thinking, Nicky. A gun can inflict more damage than a lamp (although this is not true in most Asian karate movies where a spatula or bottle opener can be turned into a deadly weapon)"  
  
[Nick remembers last time how that nosy reporter had scared he crap out of him so he calms down and looks more confident]  
  
Nick(holstering his gun): "Ok, I know there's a journalist in there…I'm gonna turn around now (he turns around, his back to the closet)"  
  
[A confused man dressed in black clothes and wearing a rubber mask of Julia Robert's face leaps out of the closet, *huge* knife in hand]  
  
Nick: "I'm gonna let you walk away without arresting you for trespassing, ok? But I warn you, the next time I find you here I'll arrest you."  
  
[The murderer shrugs and walks away of the room with a key piece of evidence]  
  
Nick(turning around, facing the closet): "Journalists."  
  
Host: "No comments. And now it's time for…not another quiz. Yes, we don't like to be repetitive. Did you understand? *We* don't like to be repetitive. This time I will give you tips, yeah, tips, T-I-P-S. Tips on what you might be wondering? Well, if you ever have the opportunity of dating a nightshift CSI you should know that is not easy. They're wild creatures of the night, they're hard to catch and once you have one, they're hard to keep seated in once place, specially if that place is in front of a dinner table."  
  
Director: "Jimmy get to the point, we're on a schedule."  
  
Host :"Don't rush me, I'm inspired…"  
  
Director: "Get to the point or else I'll tell your wife about---"  
  
Host(suddenly nervous): "OK, here are the TIPS…"  
  
TIPS ON HOW TO DATE A WORKAHOLIC NIGHTSHIFT CSI.  
  
TIP#1: If you had succeeded in capturing the attention of a CSI and you whish to ask him/her on a date take this advice: upon arriving to the restaurant/bar/dinner where the date will take place tackle the CSI and immobilize him/her on the ground. Now, before anyone calls the authorities, remove his/her beeper and cell phone. These items can otherwise put an early end to your date because serial killers and psychos only take a small vacation on Labor's Day (everyone knows that).  
  
Foot note: In some extreme cases a CSI may carry an extra beeper strapped to his/her ankle. A searching process is recommended. You can say something like this: "Now, face the walls and spread your legs, honey."  
  
TIP#2: I know you want to be polite but remember that your date handles corpses, sees guts, torn limbs and stinky gooey stuff on a daily bases so the last thing you wanna do is ask: "how was your day?" or something similar. For instance, here's a good example of what you shouldn't do:  
  
[The camera shows a pretty nice guy having dinner in a fancy restaurant with Sara. The waiter arrives with their orders and then walks away, leaving the two love birds alone]  
  
Host: "This is what you will ask if you're a moron…"  
  
Cute guy (taking the first bite of his roast beef): "So, tell me about your job, what did you do today?"  
  
Sara: "Well, this morning we found a dead guy frozen inside a mini-fridge. It seems the killer had to cut him in small pieces because otherwise he wouldn't fit inside the fridge but he wasn't very clean because he didn't take some of the food out of the fridge you know so the dead guy smelled like a cheese and mayo Popsicle. And here's the funny part, he stuffed the guy's liver inside a cookie jar and it was all bloody and the maggots were having a field day…"  
  
Cute guy (looking somewhat greenish): "Re-really?"  
  
TIP#3: This would have to be performed the exact moment your correspondent meals arrive to your table. Search thoroughly the contents of your dish before you actually start to eat, examine your glass and check for any foreign objects or body parts such as fingers, tongues or any small human appendix.  
  
Host: "If you follow this tips you date with a CSI will succeed unless, of course, a madman enters the restaurant or diner and takes you and your CSI date hostages. It happened to me once."  
  
TBC…  
  
***  
  
k, I know this chapter sucked. I'll try to make the next one funnier, ok? 


	4. pArT fOuR

**Disclaimer: **don't own the gang. As I have stated before, I do plan to kidnap them someday. I own the Host a.k.a 'Jimmy'. Don't sue me, all you'll get anyways is my beloved goldfish named 'Grissom'.    ****

**Summary: **Spying cameras+ crazy scientists + this fic = Discovering what your CSIs do when they think no one is watching.  

**Author's notes:**  Thanks to Samantha for the beta reading! 

Well, it's been a long time. My muse flat-lined halfway through "The Nightshift's Cabin" (yes, Nikki=CrazyAngel, we're one and the same) right around the same time I picked up this old but _not_ forgotten fic.

I hope at least I can make you laugh once. 

**Feedback:  **I once said I was an 'archive' slut. . .well I'm a feedback slut too. Anything's fine with me. Flames will be erased from my memory with that thingy Will Smith used in "Men in Black". 

**************

(Back from commercials)

Host: "After a long long long loooooong commercial, we're back. Due to low ratings, the producers of this show have decided to broaden its horizons. Attract more eyeballs. In lamest terms: IT'S SEX TIME! YEAH BABY, YEAH! 

(Clears his throat) 

Anyway, I'm going to address a very important subject: sexual tension. Oh yeah people, it's everywhere around that sexually-turbo-charged lab. As my Uncle Pip and my ol' Auntie Gunda used to say just before they got tragically squashed to death by a snow plough: "Winter, summer, fall or spring; indoors or outdoors. . . there's _always_ time for a quickie." 

Amen. If they were breathing, my long departed aunt and uncle would add: 'winter' and 'outside' are the less recommended combo. 

So, bouncing back to sexual tension. You would think our CSIs fight this overriding physical need with extreme efficiency. Because after all. . . they _are professionals. Out! Out! Damn lust! Right?" _

(cut to. . . ) 

[Brass enters Grissom's office. All the lights are out but for some strange plot-fitting reason Brass feels compelled to enter.] 

Brass (turning on the lights): "Griss?" 

[Grissom's desk wobbles. Brass recoils, frightened. Brass frowns.]

Brass: "Griss? Are you there or did I just experience a Poltergeist?" 

[The desk wobbles again and this time the heads of very flushed Griss and Sara pop out from behind the desk, grinning like idiots. 

During the second Brass glances back at the hallway -to check that no one else is watching the scandalous sight- Sara cunningly snatches a pen from Grissom's desk and tosses it under the furniture. Grissom frowns at Sara's irrational behaviour.] 

Sara (hair ruffled, same pen in hand): "Here's the pen you dropped." 

Grissom (a lipstick kiss on his cheek and something tangled around his neck): "(catching on) Riiiight, yeah, we've been looking for this for hours. . .." 

Brass (arching one eyebrow): "I'm sure you were." 

Grissom: "Thank you, Sara. Now you can go back to the lab and. . . go analyse something and bring me back the results to compare with. . ." (his eyes dart around, looking for the words.) 

Sara: ". . .with something else?" 

Grissom (relieved): "Yes, right. Go." 

Sara: "Sure, sure thing. I'll analyse. Well, gee look at the time. I have to. . .analyse something. See ya." 

[Sara and Griss stand up. Sara slinks towards the door but Brass taps her on the shoulder as she walks by. She stops and turns around.]

Brass (smiling): "Aren't you forgetting something?" 

[Sara frowns then glances back at Grissom. She gasps. Shyly, she walks back to Grissom and disentangles her bra from round his neck.] 

Grissom (referring to the bra): "Hmm, yes,  I-I think that belongs to you (squirming under Brass's questioning look) It fell from (points at the roof). . .and it was on my neck 'cos. . .(chuckles and waves a hand) you know it's such a hilarious story actually, you see. . .she tripped and-" 

(The tape is cut short and the Host appears, his eyes narrowed. He arches an eyebrow.) 

Host: "She _tripped_, Grissom? (shakes his head disappointedly) She tripped and by a magical halt of like _a hundred laws of physics and biology she sprouted forensic wings and flapped her way under your desk. Makes sense. . .if you're doped. _

Lusty entomologists never give good excuses. Politicians are the opposite. Surprise a married Senator in a bath tub, butt naked with three Playboy Bunnies and he'll come up with a plausible explanation at the drop of a hat. Grissom however. . .boy does he needs more practice. I'm sure Sara'll help him. We all know she's a wicked one.      

Well, later, in another room, while a suspect confessed to a triple murder, Warrick and Catherine fought the lust beast too. Reaching similar results. 

Lust/love  2                                      Abstinence 0.   

So, near the end of the shift, Grissom and the band have accomplished their propose of the day: locking up all the bad guys in jail. Now the problem is, what to do until the end of the shift?"

[Warrick is sleeping on a chair, snoring with his mouth wide open. Grissom is eating a salad and reading "Weathering Heights", Catherine went to see her daughter, who has grown 20 inches, shaved and dyed her hair a puke-green since she last time Cath saw her. That leaves Nick, Sara and Greg a.k.a The Trouble Triplets.]  

Sara (staring evilly at Warrick): "Guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" 

[Greg's face lights up and he almost falls off his chair. Nick chokes on his sandwich.] 

Greg (exited): "What motel do you want?" 

Sara (momentarily puzzled): "Motel?-No, you horny nut (points at the sleeping Warrick) Warrick." 

Nick (catching Sara's drift): "Ohhhh, you want revenge." 

Greg (whispering to Nick): "Revenge for what?"

Nick (taking a bite of his sandwich): "Warrick accidentally pepper sprayed her last week. I still think it was an accident. Sara here thinks otherwise."

[Greg starts to giggle. Sara darts them a look cold enough to turn them both into Popsicles. Neither Greg nor Nick see Sara's deadly glare.]  

Nick: "You should've seen her dance, man! 'My eyes! My eyes!' (covering his eyes and imitating Sara) squirming and poking at her eyes with her knuckles. . .ahh,  _that is a memory I will cherish forever."   _

Greg (grinning): "Where was I? Why didn't you call me?"  

[Sara smacks him in the back of the head. That prompts Greg to switch to a serious expression before more bodily harm is inflicted upon him.] 

Greg: "Warrick should pay. I'm at your service Lady Sidle." 

Sara: "Great, 'cos I have an idea and I need a couple of extra arms (smiles)."

[The camera freezes on Sara's evil smiling face and Greg and Nick looking at each other wondering, '_what_ is she talking about?' and 'would it involve nakedness or body painting?'] 

Host (staring at Sara's face in a T.V screen besides him): "Vindictive little thing, ain't she? Her devilish idea won't be revealed until the end of the show but I assure you it will have serious consequences on poor Warrick's mental health. 

Now. . .question: Did you notice how sharp-eyed this CSI are? Question: Did you notice how they would go to any lengths to gather evidence? Question: Do you ever wonder, "how do they do it?" Question: Do you think I would look pretty in a thong?

Director: "JIMMY!!" 

Host (raising his hands): "Okay. Question: Would you like to see the EVIDENCE GATHERING PROCESS? A T.V roller coaster ride of this crucial part of a CSIs job? Would you? Well, you're gonna."  

EVIDENCE GATHERING PROCESS.  

STEP ONE: "**Localize** the evidence." 

[The team arrives at a crime scene. After ten or so minutes of speculating and flashbacking to the night of the murder, Grissom's telescopic sight zeroes in on a tiny-microscopic-particle of 'something suspicious that would eventually prove to be groundbreaking evidence' on the right corner of a 20 feet high living room ceiling.] 

Griss (cocks his head in his 'I found something nobody else has' way): "Do you see what I'm seeing?" 

[Everyone looks up, down, to the left, to the right, in their pockets. Everywhere. They don't know where the heck to look.]  

Griss shuffles a chair under a chandelier. He hops on the chair, clutches to the chandelier and starts swinging back and forth like a hyper-monkey. He summersaults in the air and onto a trampoline then flies in the air like a space squirrel and clings to the walls like Spiderman. Then he takes out an evidence bag and a pair of tweezers from his pocket and lifts a microscopic sample of the evidence.] 

Host: "Those aerobics classes are doing wonders for Grissom."

EVIDENCE GATHERING STEP TWO: "**Collect** the evidence." 

[Balancing on top of a very high ladder, Sara grunts. She's stretching herself almost to the point of breaking in half to reach the evidence. She has the tweezers in one hand. Warrick and Nick gape at their team-mate from the floor; they were appointed the task of stabilizing the ladder.]

Nick (staring up as if he were watching a flying trapeze show): "Ten bucks she breaks an arm." 

Warrick: "You're on." 

[Warrick and Nick knock their fists together while they take out the bet money. Who is stabilizing the ladder? No one, that is who. 

Seconds later they hear an 'Ahhhhhhhh' followed by a dull thud and a tortured female moan. Forgetful boys, these two.] 

EVIDENCE GATHERINEG STEP THREE: "**Try not to lose** the evidence." 

[The Tahoe is parked in front of a crime scene, behind a police car. After collecting all the evidence, the team opens the back door and stashes their kits inside. Grissom shuts the door close just as the police car speeds away to another mission. The Tahoe starts to glide forward, down the sloped street.] 

Warrick (trotting beside the moving vehicle and peeking inside): "The handbrake's off!"  

[Seeing the futility in chasing the car Warrick stops and the team watches their car-and their evidence-gain speed and ride peacefully down the street. The car starts to veer slowly to the left, onto the sidewalk.] 

Sara (covers her eyes with her hands): "Oh crap, not again." 

[The Tahoe uproots mailbox after mailbox until it collides with a dumpster.]  

Host: "So, to end this segment, we want you to see them outside their natural habitat, relaxing in some corpse & stench-free green place. So here there's a slight change from CSIs to CSOs or Crazy Scientists _Outdoors. _

The site: a park. 

The occasion: a picnic organized by the Sheriff as part of a bonding program he came up with while leafing through 'The Hip 'n' Cool Sheriff Weekly'." 

[The camera is hidden behind the bushes but the image zooms in and you can see them up close]

Host: "Before you turn into a cyber-snoop and experience the beautifully illegal sensation of invading other people's privacy, there's something you need to know. The team is a itty-bitty more relaxed than law requires for driving. (Coughs and clears his throat) They're drunk." 

(cut to…) 

[Grissom is holding a bat in a not too professional fashion. The bat is practically hanging across his back and he's swaying slightly with the breeze, just like his cuter than cute catcher Nick.] 

Griss (slurring): "Come on Cath! I'm falling asleep here!" 

[Cath is wearing a baseball cap that is way too big for her head. She looks like a Matel experiment of a 'Baseball player Barbie' gone awfully wrong. She finishes the glass of wine she has in one hand and smiles sweetly at Grissom. She looks. . . bubbly] 

Cath (putting down the glass): "Chill out G-bug (she assumes the position to throw the ball, right leg bent at the knee and at waist level.) Oooook, here we go!" 

[Grissom prepares himself. Cath lifts her leg too high and she crumples backwards to the ground in a giggling heap. Nick chuckles and Grissom snorts a laugh but quickly urges his fallen comrade to throw the ball before he starts wearing diapers** again.]**

Cath (cap askew): "Ok, here we go again." (repeats the movements but doesn't fall down) 

[Grissom groggily swings the bat, missing Nick's head by millimetres. Defying all odds, the bat actually connects with the ball. Carried away by his own momentum, Grissom twirls around on his heels after hitting the ball and smacks Nick square in the back of his head.] 

Nick (scratches the back of his head and looks back): "Rats, what the hell happened?" 

[Catherine, Grissom and Nick watch the ball go up and then down. Backfield, Warrick and Sara look up and start to run backward, arms outstretched, gloves ready.] 

Sara (baseball shirt on, cap backwards): "I got it! It's mine!" 

Warrick (running the same direction Sara is but from the opposite end of the field): " No, it's mine!" 

[The ball continues to drop while Warrick and Sara continue to run backwards. Catherine, Nick and Grissom stare at the falling sphere as if it were a bomb that had just been dropped from an enemy airplane when BANG! Warrick and Sara collide, bounce off each other and fall flat on the ground. The ball lands on Greg's glove.]

Greg (grinning): "_I _got it!" (looks down at Sara and Warrick) " 'Sucked at sports', huh Sidle?"

Host: "And this was before the third bottle. . .." 

(cut to. . .)                           

[Nicky-boy is at the bat. Cath 'The Drunk Kitty' Willows catches and Sara 'Crazy Giggles' Sidle pitches. Nick and Catherine stare at Sara as she gulps down a glassful of wine as if it were Evian water. The girl likes her wine.] 

Sara (tossing the glass near the picnic basket): "Now, what were we playing?" 

Cath (squatting at Nick's feet and hardly keeping her balance): "Baseball, Sara. Are you _that_ drunk?" (hiccup)

Sara: "No." (glances sideways and then squints at Nick) "Grissom, did you dye your hair?" 

Nick (similar bating position assumed by Grissom): "Throw the freaking ball, Sidle!" 

[Sara narrows her eyes to slits in concentration. She squints back over her shoulder. She proceeds to spit her cherry bubblegum on the ground in order to appear threatening. Nick arches an eyebrow. Sara runs two fingers over the rim of her cap, aims and throws the ball. 

Nick swings the bat and misses, the ball hits Cath's glove and due to her light-headed-happy-grape-induced-state, she crumples backwards by the force of the shot.]

Catherine (back flat on the ground): "Striiiiiiiike one!"

[Sara does her 'happy dance' around the imaginary mound. A little hip twisting, a little butt wriggling and she's done flaunting her victory. After helping his catcher to her feet, Nick gets in position again.]

Nick (muttering at Sara): "Smug face. . .." 

Sara: "I heard that!" (sticks her tongue out at him.) 

[Sara repeats her previews movements and throws the ball again. Nick swings the bat with such force that it escapes from his hands. Cath catches the ball again and falls backwards screaming 'strike two!'. Sara gets knocked out by the fugitive bat and falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.  

Far away, Gil 'Bugs' Grissom, Warrick 'Attitude' Brown and Greg 'Ugly T-Shirt's' Sanders are standing idly but when they notice all the movement, (Sara falling) they spring into action and look to the sky for the ball.] 

Grissom (running backwards, glass of wine in one hand, glove on the other): "It's mine! It's mine!!" 

[They all run and run and run. . . and run until they start to slow down to a trot and subsequently, to a confused halt. The trio gaze skyward at the same time.]

Grissom & Greg: "Where is it?" 

Warrick (after a moment's thought): "Maybe a bird took it." 

Host: (smacks the palm of his hand on his forehead) "_OF COURSE it was a bird. A bald eagle maybe. That always happens at Yankee Stadium. (faking an announcers voice at a baseball game) And it goes up, up, it's going to be a mighty homerun! LOOK AT THE BALL FLY! It's about to go over the-oh, a pigeon grabbed it! Better luck next time." _

(cut to. . .) 

[They're still on the picnic but now they're playing football. Or so it seems. The football is stuck up a tree and the team is trying to retrieve it. 

Warrick is holding Catherine's feet on his shoulders while she claws at the tree's trunk like a freaked-out cat, trying not to fall down. Nick holds Sara. Both females are close to the football but they can't get a hold of it because of the branches.] 

Grissom (supervising the rescue operation from the safety of the ground): "Hey, Cath! You think you could stretch your hand a little bit?" 

[Cath grunts and from her lovely mouth all sorts of colourful curses roll out, her vocabulary as rich as an experienced sailor's.] 

Greg: "I didn't know you could use 'ass' and 'lawnmower' in the same sentence. She's such a creative woman." 

[Warrick decides to help Cath a bit so he stands on his toes. Catherine screams as her head smashes against a thick branch. Cath's shriek startles Nick thus making Sara lose her balance and hurtle to the ground like Newton's apple. She lands on a cushy Greg with a dull thud.]

Host: "One more fall and Sara gets an electric nail clipper or a battery charged nose-hair remover. (lifts up his fist) GO SARA!!" 

Grissom (arms on his knees and laughing hysterically): "I'll be damned! Greg, kid, are you ok?" 

[Greg is lying on the now dented ground. His eyes look lost.] 

Greg (without moving, his speech a bit slurred): "Sure, sure. Sara'sssss light as a feather." 

[Cath's feet start to move wildly as she tries to fee her head from between two branches. Warrick moves away, fearing a concussion. 

The team stare at Cath's jiggling feet. The sight strikes them as hilarious. After rolling and laughing on the ground until their stomachs hurt, they all fall into a deep silence and look up at Cath's feet, which is all they can see of her.] 

Grissom (squinting up): "Cath?" 

Cath (from behind the thick wall of leaves): "Are you done laughing?" 

[Grissom looks around, everyone nods.] 

Grissom: "Yeah." (he pauses) "Can you reach the ball now?" 

Host: "Presenting the Las Vegas Bugs!! Yey! Wooppee! Hooray!. . . If they can take a team mate down from a tree, that is.      

Instead of a quiz, we have prepared something else. We went to one of Grissom's conferences. We taped it of course. Now you're going to enjoy one of his most recent talks about bugs. His words are hypnotizing and the spiritual meaning. . . (gets all emotional) amazing." 

(Cut to. . . ) 

[Grissom is sitting at a conference table. The place is packed with people. They are practically hanging from the ceiling. Grissom smiles charmingly and clasps his hands together.] 

Grissom: "So, bugs. What can I say? Some of 'em have wings, some of 'em don't but they don't get all depressed about it. . ." 

Host (moved and teary): "Can't speak, too deep." 

Grissom: " . . . they come in all sorts of colours, blue, black, green…you name it, the buggies got it. Some of 'em sting, those are pretty bitchy. You wouldn't want to piss 'em off if you're allergic but if you fancy a nice anaphylactic shock, be my guest." 

 [The crowd frowns just as Grissom's cell phone rings] 

Grissom (lifting a finger at the crowd): "This'll just take a second. . . Grissom. . . If you didn't want to call me why are we speaking right now?. . . What?!. . . Tell her *_I* _made you boss. . . What do you mean she doesn't want to listen (smiles weakly at the crowd, they smile in return). . . What's that noise? . . . Warrick?. . .(shouting comes from the other end of the line) . . .She's WHAT???. . . (Warrick screams). . . Put her on the phone. .. Just-just put her on the damned phone. . . (sweet voice) . . . Saaaara? It's not your turn be supervisor for one night. . . (yanks the phone away from his ear as Sara screams loudly into it). . .No, it's not Warrick's faul-**_DROP_** the chair! Are you running?. . .Are you in the parking lot?. . .(sounds of Warrick screaming and glass breaking). . .I said DROP it, not THROW IT!!" (Warrick screams, the communication is cut off)      

Host: "Don't leave your seats, more to come after commercials." 

TBC. . . 


End file.
